To Quit or Not to Quit, That is the Question

The gender of my baby is... drum roll please... I have no clue. My baby is definitely mine and my exes. There is no if, and or but about it. I went in for an ultra sound yesterday, to find out the gender and to check on all the vital things. Well, my baby who doesn't ever like to sleep decided yesterday morning would be a good time to sleep in. Yay me, not really. So I am laying there and the ultra sound technician is killing me with the pushing, poking and prodding to get what she needs. But, there is one problem - my baby was curled up in the fetal position. Not where a normal 20 week old baby would be normally sleeping; no my baby is odd and likes to sleep and stay where a 10 week old fetus stays. Which is a problem in itself I guess. Well the person doing the ultra sound decided, we should wake the baby up and get what we need once it's awake. I, immediately, say, "Don't you dare wake the baby up." She just looked at me and proceeded to try and wake the baby up. Causing even more pain for me, by literally taking pushing as hard into my stomach making it feel like I was being punched over and over in the stomach. I am wincing and telling her to stop and leave the baby alone, she isn't going to get what she wants anyway. The silly woman didn't listen to me. She woke my baby up, and oooooh they were not happy. She gets close to a picture she needed, and the baby would move, and this went on for a good ten minutes before she finally decided I just needed to come back next week to get what they needed, as the baby isn't cooperating.

Well, I could have told her that... oh wait, I did. She didn't want to listen to me. I am sorry, but the baby is inside me and part of me. I know the dad and I know me; the baby wasn't going to be happy being woken up, and they most certainly were not going to cooperate after being woken up. Which of course means I need to go back next week and have another one done, and hopefully this time I will be able to inform people what the gender is.
That's my interesting baby story. Yet, that's not why I have the question of whether to quit or not. My job has been getting to me (as if my ex isn't enough drama.) It really sucks when you feel like you are being discriminated against for being pregnant. Especially when it is a non-profit company that is suppose to be helping people in the community that can't help themselves. I do a relatively self-less job, I am a caregiver and that's everything in which you think it includes. I work my ass off, and apparently they even say that I am one of their best workers - yet I don't seem to be getting any hours, unless I bring HR into it. Which no one should have to do. And when do people feel they need to come off as if they are better than me. And don't ever threaten me with a court case of defamation of character if I go to the Human Rights Commission because all that means is that you are guilty of something and you don't wish to admit it.

That's what's happening. It has gotten to the point where I am now don't have a choice anymore. I need to go to the Human Rights Commission, which is going to just cause me even more drama. I don't need the stress - but when you go from working 35 hours with benefits, down to 9 hours without benefits a week within 1 month, there is a problem. I won't go into anymore details, just it makes me really think about quitting my job. For I know if a case is filed against them, my time will be limited in said job. =( So to quit or not to quit, that is the question.

I could go on about what my ex has doesn't now, but I am truly just too tired and hungry to go on about that drama. Maybe later in the week I will post about his non-sense some more. But for now I am off to go eat and take a small nap.

Remember, when life gives you lemons - cut them in half and squeeze the lemon juice in life's eye =)

Almost Five Months...

Four and Twenty. That's how they use to say it in the 1800s, maybe even earlier - I truly don't remember. Either way, I am now twenty-four years old and almost five months pregnant. Next week I get to find out what the gender is; and I am told I will be excited at that point. Don't get me wrong, my unborn child is wanted just not at all expected. In most cases, maybe that's how it would go. I know I am not the only person out there who has an ex-boyfriend that left them once finding out they were pregnant; or even some time after finding out. But it kills me the way it went down. The not knowing factor, always wondering...wondering...and wondering some more about what I had done wrong. And nothing comes to mind.

Granted, I wasn't the most perfect girlfriend. I don't have the best communication skills, which might even be the issue. But not any worse than him, since after all he didn't even tell me what I did wrong or even conveyed that we were breaking up. Yes, you're reading right - dumping via Facebook. A change of the relationship status with no notice at all. Couples argue, or so I am told, but apparently not with my ex - it was his way or the highway. In truth, I know I am better without him. And I found a very nice guy, and he doesn't even care that I am pregnant. But still I can't help but feel like I am doing this guy wrong. Though he tells me otherwise. A keeper... that he definitely is. Just getting over my insecurities may be a problem.

But back to the ex. Is it so wrong that I don't want to give the baby his last name? There are so many views out there on this matter. But is it really that big of a deal, after all he left me - I didn't leave him. Plus, we are not even married and never even had plans too. He said I am ruining something sacred by not giving the baby his last name... Yet, are we not both ruining something sacred since we are not married and have no plans of ever being married and having this child? After all, that's one of the reasons shot gun weddings happened. I told him things would be easier with my last name - enrolling in school, doctors, moving, getting help (if needed by the state). He said that was a BS reason. Well, I think, his sacred talk is a BS reason.

In the end, I decided the baby would have my last name. Of course that didn't make him happy - and I knew that it wouldn't before hand. And I truly don't even care. So why am I rambling on about? The ex has no decided that he is going to give the child their middle name. And low and behold can anyone guess what that name is - male or female? A. his first name for male and mothers name for female or B. His last name... if you guessed B then you would be correct. Which of course another argument ensued. I am not selfish for thinking of the child in the now and in the then. When really, he's the one who -helped me get- knocked up (we were both stupid and it was both our "faults"), cheated on me, left me, doesn't help with anything to get prepared for the baby or medical wise, and only contacts me when he feels we should discuss the baby name. Who's really the selfish one here?

I want to make decisions with him. Keep it as amicable as I can. That was when we were together, and even now. But seriously, his last name had created much torment for his other child, created torment for himself - so why would he want the same thing for his next child. Especially, since I already told him it wouldn't happen. And he probably won't even be in their life much, since according to him "he will see them when he can see them." It's all so confusing and stressful.

So here are some questions posed to you: Is it really so bad that I have made the decision not to give my child the biological father's last name? Am I being selfish, by not letting his last name be anywhere in the name? And do you think I will make it through this craziness?

Until Later: I will just be without alcohol; holding a piece of paper, a pen and having fun with my crazy emotional roller coasters.
~Ashleigh