Tomorrow... Maybe Tomorrow...

I get to go have a special ultra sound done tomorrow - whatever that means. I guess when you are overweight and a high risk then you get to go see a special ultra sound technician. Which is what I get to do tomorrow. Of course, if my baby is in the mood to cooperate, I will hopefully know what the gender is. Not that it truly bugs me either way not knowing, but I do truly believe that it would be easier to shop knowing what gender I am looking for. Like would my child really appreciate a frilly, lacey white dress if it's a boy, or even a blue sailor outfit meant for a boy when truly I am having a girl. Things like that make me question the whole, I don't wish to know factor. Plus, my friends will all bug me, and I do need to admit that there is a small part of me that wishes to know. Enough, that this past week of not knowing when I should of last week... is killing me.

 Now, who wants to hear some baby daddy drama - naw you won't get it from me. If you want that you should go watch Maury; I hear he has some woman looking for the father of their child for the .... mmmmm 2397545723401th time. =D

I could bore people with my baby drama, and no doubt I will later on. But right now, I am trying to be stress free - for the simple reason is I haven't been doing too well in the pregnancy arena. With the stress at work + the baby daddy issue + the high risk factor + not being able to sleep + throwing almost everything I eat up by the end of the night = One horrific first pregnancy.

So I have this theory. If all those girls from 16 and Pregnant or Teen Mom have had to go through what I am going through right now, then they wouldn't want it televised. Not only that, but if they were more like this and less making it glorified maybe other teens wouldn't think it would be cool to get pregnant. But as I see it most girls now see it as something that is cool - Thank you MTV. Sure Leah from Teen Mom season 1 had issues, but that was because of twins. And now she is dealing with what could even be some what considered normal for twins - health issues. But then you have the others, who continue doing what they do. Getting thrown into jail, getting pregnant again. How can we let this on our televisions? Why is it even being shown? And better yet, why, how, what is going through people's minds when they sit there and watch it. Most with their daughters. Sure, you could be saying don't do this, and if you ever do that I will kick your arse. But do you really think they are listening? Because I truly don't think so. All they are seeing is - OMG I CAN TOTALLY BE ON THIS SHOW AND FAMOUS IF I GET PREGGO.... -insert furious texting to recent boyfriend-

Again, all opinion. But come on, it's almost as bad as Toddlers in Tiaras. Some of the shows that come out now just frighten me. What will be coming for my child? Do I need to shield them from the television? With all the cyber bullying or just bullying in general. Children were cruel when I was growing up, and I have babysat since I was old enough to - they have just gotten worse. I am freaking out. I don't think I will be a good mother; let alone a good father as well. I just don't know what to do.

This means I am worrying and stressing over things I can't control. Things I shouldn't be worrying about right now - which makes the cramping worse, and my exhaustion even worse. Nothing is going the way I wish it too. I expected to have my degree by name, maybe a fiance or married, and definitely not living in my parents home. This person - still going to school, my baby daddy being ridiculously obnoxious, living in my parents home, and of course having issues with my job - was not suppose to be pregnant. I try to live by the saying; no regrets. And I don't regret being pregnant, for all I know this could be the only one I can have, but I regret alot of other things that I know I can't change. Means I am back to the drawing board.

Until next time my fellow bloggers- Live long and party hard? Lol or just live long =)

Almost Five Months...

Four and Twenty. That's how they use to say it in the 1800s, maybe even earlier - I truly don't remember. Either way, I am now twenty-four years old and almost five months pregnant. Next week I get to find out what the gender is; and I am told I will be excited at that point. Don't get me wrong, my unborn child is wanted just not at all expected. In most cases, maybe that's how it would go. I know I am not the only person out there who has an ex-boyfriend that left them once finding out they were pregnant; or even some time after finding out. But it kills me the way it went down. The not knowing factor, always wondering...wondering...and wondering some more about what I had done wrong. And nothing comes to mind.

Granted, I wasn't the most perfect girlfriend. I don't have the best communication skills, which might even be the issue. But not any worse than him, since after all he didn't even tell me what I did wrong or even conveyed that we were breaking up. Yes, you're reading right - dumping via Facebook. A change of the relationship status with no notice at all. Couples argue, or so I am told, but apparently not with my ex - it was his way or the highway. In truth, I know I am better without him. And I found a very nice guy, and he doesn't even care that I am pregnant. But still I can't help but feel like I am doing this guy wrong. Though he tells me otherwise. A keeper... that he definitely is. Just getting over my insecurities may be a problem.

But back to the ex. Is it so wrong that I don't want to give the baby his last name? There are so many views out there on this matter. But is it really that big of a deal, after all he left me - I didn't leave him. Plus, we are not even married and never even had plans too. He said I am ruining something sacred by not giving the baby his last name... Yet, are we not both ruining something sacred since we are not married and have no plans of ever being married and having this child? After all, that's one of the reasons shot gun weddings happened. I told him things would be easier with my last name - enrolling in school, doctors, moving, getting help (if needed by the state). He said that was a BS reason. Well, I think, his sacred talk is a BS reason.

In the end, I decided the baby would have my last name. Of course that didn't make him happy - and I knew that it wouldn't before hand. And I truly don't even care. So why am I rambling on about? The ex has no decided that he is going to give the child their middle name. And low and behold can anyone guess what that name is - male or female? A. his first name for male and mothers name for female or B. His last name... if you guessed B then you would be correct. Which of course another argument ensued. I am not selfish for thinking of the child in the now and in the then. When really, he's the one who -helped me get- knocked up (we were both stupid and it was both our "faults"), cheated on me, left me, doesn't help with anything to get prepared for the baby or medical wise, and only contacts me when he feels we should discuss the baby name. Who's really the selfish one here?

I want to make decisions with him. Keep it as amicable as I can. That was when we were together, and even now. But seriously, his last name had created much torment for his other child, created torment for himself - so why would he want the same thing for his next child. Especially, since I already told him it wouldn't happen. And he probably won't even be in their life much, since according to him "he will see them when he can see them." It's all so confusing and stressful.

So here are some questions posed to you: Is it really so bad that I have made the decision not to give my child the biological father's last name? Am I being selfish, by not letting his last name be anywhere in the name? And do you think I will make it through this craziness?

Until Later: I will just be without alcohol; holding a piece of paper, a pen and having fun with my crazy emotional roller coasters.
~Ashleigh