One...Two...Three.. SCREAM - a quick update on everything

That's what I have been doing since this whole sickness thing started. Not the being pregnant sickness, the hypermese something-or-other sickness started. I am not a fan, in fact I down right hate it. With a Picc Line in my arm, and a daily IV that takes four hours to do, there isn't much of my day left (depending on when I woke up.) Not only does it keep me on the couch for such a long time, it also made me jobless. Yes, like I needed anymore issue going on in my life - let us add no income to the mix. My doctor doesn't want me working with the Picc Line in my arm. Which though I can understand - she isn't the one that has no job now.

I haven't heard from the baby daddy in a while, which is good because I don't think him adding stress to my life is a good thing. Though I have heard that he has changed his mind once  more and wants to go for custody. I wonder why? Oh, wait, it must be because he doesn't want to pay child support to yet another person. Not my problem, he can have a lovely time trying to get custody - it won't work. But because he has changed his mind again, I now have to go meet with a lawyer. About what I can do now, and what I am going to need to do later. This is turning into a drama fest; I really wish it wasn't.

Now that I took a break from health I thought I'd go back to it for a minute. Not only did I find out that I am still losing weight even with the fluids and eating. It makes me want to rip my hair out. But I also found out that I am so anemic (which I knew I was anemic before - but apparently it's even worse than) and if I don't get it up, then yay I will need to get a blood transfusion after giving birth. She even said it wouldn't matter either way, C-section or Normal, it would need to happen. What the heck, where are all the good times that ate suppose to come from being pregnant? My friend made a joke about pregnancy glow and she is like you have it... it's just most like a ghost-ish kind of glow. Gee thanks.

However, there is a shiny silver lining - I am passing my classes. Which is always a plus considering everything I am going through. And I only needed to miss one class because of all these issues. Granted I forced myself to go to them - but at least I made it through this term. Not only did I make it through the term I most likely made the President's List at that. I am very excited about this.

Another silver lining - that goes along with only needed to do school work next term - and not have to work, is NANOWRIMO! It means I can spend time actually doing it. Not just thrown together at the last minute with hopes that it sounds good, nope this will be the whole even-though-I-am-flying-by-the-seat-of-my-pants-it-will-make-sense-anyway type of writing this year. Which will definitely make me happy.

Well that's a quick update on everything that is going on. Well the shortened versions anyway. There is probably waaaaay more I could write, but it's not worth it because it's not weighing on my mind right now.

Just remember for every negative, there is also a silver lining plus hiding in the background. You just need to find it and catch it =)

Forever and... Beyond?

I don't know why, but those three words are stuck in my head. Forever and Beyond. It's like I was watching Toy Story and it froze and restart right at that part, over and over again. Maybe, nerves are getting in the way, maybe my thoughts are taking over, maybe, maybe, maybe. My mind is filled with maybes and that small simple phase.

It could be that I have been trying to write again, and getting into that zone, but truly my mind doesn't settle well with that idea. No, it likes to settle with the idea that maybe (oh here I go again), just maybe I am having doubts about everything around me. The mind - which speaks for itself most of the time- has agreed with that statement. Doubt it my biggest issue, the one I need to run past it. I need to run straight to the end zone (or something of that nature) and forget all the doubts that come running at me, trying to tackle me down. I don't do football, so here is to hoping I got the jest of it right. Probably not (HA! Doubt again.)

Maybe, I will be a good mom. Maybe, I can patch some of the issues my ex and I have... not that I want to get back together with him, but more so there is that back up when it comes to discipline. Maybe, my mom is right and I am not being a burden. But maybe, just maybe, I am a burden to them. Maybe, I can't do this. Maybe, I can. Maybe, I just need to tell my mind to shut the eff up.

Either way, my mind is running wild - getting tackled, but at least getting back up again. And now I think I use too many commas (a real problem for me - which is why I hate them). Once again tackled from what I wished to say and now it's completely forgotten. The doubt is back, as are the maybes. I need my mind to shut down (and in truth I should be doing homework.)

Until next time: don't let your maybes or doubts tackle you to the ground.