Four and Twenty. That's how they use to say it in the 1800s, maybe even earlier - I truly don't remember. Either way, I am now twenty-four years old and almost five months pregnant. Next week I get to find out what the gender is; and I am told I will be excited at that point. Don't get me wrong, my unborn child is wanted just not at all expected. In most cases, maybe that's how it would go. I know I am not the only person out there who has an ex-boyfriend that left them once finding out they were pregnant; or even some time after finding out. But it kills me the way it went down. The not knowing factor, always wondering...wondering...and wondering some more about what I had done wrong. And nothing comes to mind.
Granted, I wasn't the most perfect girlfriend. I don't have the best communication skills, which might even be the issue. But not any worse than him, since after all he didn't even tell me what I did wrong or even conveyed that we were breaking up. Yes, you're reading right - dumping via Facebook. A change of the relationship status with no notice at all. Couples argue, or so I am told, but apparently not with my ex - it was his way or the highway. In truth, I know I am better without him. And I found a very nice guy, and he doesn't even care that I am pregnant. But still I can't help but feel like I am doing this guy wrong. Though he tells me otherwise. A keeper... that he definitely is. Just getting over my insecurities may be a problem.
But back to the ex. Is it so wrong that I don't want to give the baby his last name? There are so many views out there on this matter. But is it really that big of a deal, after all he left me - I didn't leave him. Plus, we are not even married and never even had plans too. He said I am ruining something sacred by not giving the baby his last name... Yet, are we not both ruining something sacred since we are not married and have no plans of ever being married and having this child? After all, that's one of the reasons shot gun weddings happened. I told him things would be easier with my last name - enrolling in school, doctors, moving, getting help (if needed by the state). He said that was a BS reason. Well, I think, his sacred talk is a BS reason.
In the end, I decided the baby would have my last name. Of course that didn't make him happy - and I knew that it wouldn't before hand. And I truly don't even care. So why am I rambling on about? The ex has no decided that he is going to give the child their middle name. And low and behold can anyone guess what that name is - male or female? A. his first name for male and mothers name for female or B. His last name... if you guessed B then you would be correct. Which of course another argument ensued. I am not selfish for thinking of the child in the now and in the then. When really, he's the one who -helped me get- knocked up (we were both stupid and it was both our "faults"), cheated on me, left me, doesn't help with anything to get prepared for the baby or medical wise, and only contacts me when he feels we should discuss the baby name. Who's really the selfish one here?
I want to make decisions with him. Keep it as amicable as I can. That was when we were together, and even now. But seriously, his last name had created much torment for his other child, created torment for himself - so why would he want the same thing for his next child. Especially, since I already told him it wouldn't happen. And he probably won't even be in their life much, since according to him "he will see them when he can see them." It's all so confusing and stressful.
So here are some questions posed to you: Is it really so bad that I have made the decision not to give my child the biological father's last name? Am I being selfish, by not letting his last name be anywhere in the name? And do you think I will make it through this craziness?
Until Later: I will just be without alcohol; holding a piece of paper, a pen and having fun with my crazy emotional roller coasters.
~Ashleigh
